A Surprise for Ianto's Birthday
by Anduria Trianys
Summary: It's Ianto's birthday, but when Jack gets him a present, he finds himself with a little more than he bargained for. Jack/Ianto, Owen/Tosh. Pure crack with a bit of fluff thrown in for good measure. Just a one-shot, because I needed a laugh.


This was another challenge by a friend, inspired from the Internet, where it was discovered that...well, if you read it, you'll see! It's pretty much pure crack, with a dash of fluff for good measure, because I am a hopeless romantic!

Pairings: Owen/Tosh, Jack/Ianto.

**A Surprise for Ianto's Birthday**

Tosh was scanning the computers one morning and checking for Rift activity. She loved her job, she really did, but sometimes she felt sure there must be more to it than this; just sitting and waiting for something – anything – to happen. She knew it was just boredom talking and that there was more to it than this – she'd experienced it. But everywhere was so quiet; Gwen was at home with Rhys, Owen was – for once – keeping out of the way and making coffee, of all things (after painstakingly being given instructions from Ianto) and Jack and Ianto were…actually, Tosh wasn't sure where they were.

She was just about to run a CCTV check to find them, when one of the monitors beeped. _At last_, she thought, _something to do. _She hit the keyboard, ready to call out that there was Rift activity, or whatever it was that was being registered – but the words died in her throat when she saw what was on the screen. She read it and her brows knitted together…very slowly.

"Owen!" she yelled. When the medic arrived with a confused look on her face, she glowered at him. "What the hell is this?"

Owen stared at the screen in shock. "Tosh, I swear it wasn't me," he said, trying to pacify his raging girlfriend.

"Well, who was it?" asked Tosh, disbelief in her voice. "It wouldn't be the first time you've done something stupid."

"It wasn't me!" shouted Owen. "I promise you, Tosh; I didn't do it!"

"Hey, hey, what's going on?" Tosh and Owen jumped as a wet-haired Ianto came down, a brown smear (quickly identified as chocolate) on his wrist and clutching what they soon identified as Jack's – now very wet – handkerchief.

Trying very hard not to imagine what had caused this, Owen grabbed the Welshman's arm and dragged him over to look at the screen. "Did you do this?" he asked.

Ianto's eyes widened. "No!" he exclaimed. "I don't even know how – hey, here's a message." He read it and then his eyebrows furrowed in much the same way Tosh's had.

"I don't believe it," muttered Owen.

"Neither do I," agreed Tosh. "Sorry, Owen; I guess I was wrong."

"It's quite all right, Tosh; quite all right."

"Jack!" barked Ianto suddenly. "I don't care how wet or chocolate-covered you are; get dressed and get your rear end down here NOW!"

It took a few minutes, but Jack did appear, also soaking wet and his shirt clinging to him. He also had similar chocolate stains to Ianto…but they were closer to his neck.

"You called, beloved?" he said, smiling brightly.

Ianto, however, was having none of it. He grabbed Jack's sleeve and dragged him to the computer. "Jack," he hissed, "what exactly is this?"

Jack looked at the computer screen. "Oh, you found it," he said. "Happy birthday, Yan."

Ianto stared at him for what felt – to Owen and Tosh – like an age. When he spoke, it was slowly, as if he was in a state of shock. Which would have been fair enough – he was.

"Let me make sure I've got this straight," he said. "Your birthday present to me was to put the Hub on _Google Earth_?!" The last two words were spoken in hysterical disbelief.

Jack gulped. "Erm," he said, backing away, "…no?"

Ianto groaned and started slapping him hard with the wet handkerchief, running after him as he tried to escape.

"Ow!" yelped Jack. "That hurts, Yan!"

Ianto snorted, but stopped. "Putting us on Google Earth," he said, trying to sound annoyed, but the slow grin forming over his face ruined it. "That was one heck of a stupid thing to do, Jackie."

"Don't call me Jackie!"

"Well, don't call me Yan."

"Oh – so, I guess you won't be wanting the next part of your birthday present then…will you, _Yan-Yan_?"

Ianto raised an eyebrow. "It depends what it is – and don't call me that either."

"No, please don't – we really don't need to know what your pet names for each other are, any more than we want to know what you were doing with the chocolate," put in Owen.

"Oh, just because you can't get it up," retorted Jack, before turning his attention back to Ianto. "Well," he said, "I was thinking…maybe I take you home and cook for you, and then a bubble bath, with flowers, candles and music; me giving you a massage…oh, and champagne and chocolate covered strawberries, of course."

"What, more chocolate?" asked Ianto as he quickly licked the dark smear off his wrist in a way that he knew would make Jack crazy. He pretended to consider the offer. "Well…but this doesn't change anything. I still think you're an idiot for putting us on Google Earth." But when he saw the crestfallen look on Jack's face, he smiled. "But I love you anyway."

"Aww," cooed Tosh. "Why don't you ever do anything romantic like that, Owen?"

"Well, Tosh, when it's your birthday, maybe I will," answered Owen as he leaned in to kiss her.

Ianto smiled. "Before we go, there's something I need to do." He drew out a notebook and pen.

"Aw, Ianto!" whined Jack. "It was just a bit of fun; I'm not going to do that again."

"I know," said Ianto, scribbling something in the notebook. "I just want to make a hundred per cent sure that everyone else knows it too." He threw down the book. "Come on, then – I'm still waiting for that massage."

As soon as they had left on the invisible lift, Tosh glanced at the book. "I didn't realise Torchwood Three had a rule book," she said.

"Oh, it does," said Owen. "And I believe Ianto has just added one more." He smiled as he opened the book in front of her.

Tosh glanced at it for a few seconds. Then she blinked and looked at it again…and again. And then, she burst out laughing. "Oh, Ianto," she gasped. "That is so Ianto."

There, in Ianto's unmistakeable writing, was written:

_**21. DON'T PUT THE HUB ON GOOGLE EARTH. **_


End file.
